Somewhere, there's the single people, lamenting loneliness and lost love and sitting in great company as the "Friendzone" Crew.
I've been on both ends. In the past, I've been the Friend that likes someone that likes someone else, wondering what the hell he sees in her beyond physical attraction and although I've "went for it into shooting my shot" as he complains that the girl of his dreams doesn't see him as anything other than a friend.
I've also been that woman that hears the confession "I've always liked you but I didn't think you'd like me." I'm like, "C'mon, Man!" Him being either 1) someone that I wouldn't be with in a million years anyway or 2) After the women have used and abused them and here they are coming with their tail between their legs. Friendzoned men deal with the same thing, I know.
For the record, it takes a certain man to attract me. There has to be inner work done where he's not just like, "I'm one of the good guys, here I am." No, someone that has the qualities that I've cultivated in myself and I seek the same in any partner that meets the standard. Sounds unrealistic? No worries, I'm not for you.
So what work has to be done for friendzoners and friendzonees to be on the same page?
On the surface level, it's easier to like someone that you know doesn't want you as a defense mechanism from finding a love that is truly worthy of you and that person is worthy of. Subconscious philosophies like, "Why try?" or "I don't want to get hurt again." I'm not saying to settle. I'm saying to real with yourself.
What does the 'girl/guy of your dreams' have that you really want? Do you know what type of person that she/he wants? Are you the type of that would be happy being that person that meets their 'criteria'? Does what you think that you can offer coincide with what he or she needs? Did you do your homework on them? Is what they've told you sound consistent with their results?
Sometimes, the 'friendzoner' isn't a real person to you. They're just someone on a pedestal to be admired, a connection never to be achieved, an idea of an ideal. Sometimes it's a person that doesn't see their value yet and you may want that person to see how great they are and how great you two can be together. But if they're a confused glutton for punishment, it's a protection that you're not mixed up in their madness. Maybe deep down, you know that. Because if you two aren't on the same page, you'll both just be settling.
Getting past the entry level on loving someone goes more into just attracting that person. Be the type of person that you want to be, set realistic goals for love and if that combination is a winning connection, nothing can stop a true love from happening.
I truly hope that attracting the person you want comes after your internal work being done that now the natural progression is the upgrade from single to couple. But if you want someone because you're lonely, even you aren't there yet. Love yourself, love who you are, (sans a counterpart) and you won't be invisible anymore. Open your eyes, shine bright and don't wait in the shadows for someone to pick you.
Treat yourself good this Valentine's Day and spin that loneliness into loving being alone. Go out enjoy your life and let love catch up to you. When the moment is right, you'll know and that may not be the person who you think it should be in this moment.
It's everyone's worst fear. Loss. Vanessa Bryant lost her husband and her daughter. The Altobelli's lost their parents and sister. The Chesters lost their mother and daughter. A coach and a pilot lost their lives. Fans, friends and families lost people that had become a part of their life's experience in one way or another.
Yesterday was hard and emotional. I had to log off of social media altogether. Later, I left my home to pick my son up from his father and when we sat down while in transit, he asked me about Kobe. "Did you hear about Kobe, Mom?" "Yes, Baby." He shows me a tribute that he made and saved on his phone. I smiled. "Do you want to talk about it?" He said no and put his head on my shoulder. I kissed his forehead. That was it. I know that he's in his head, processing and when he's ready, he'll talk more about it.
We all deal with loss in different ways. Tears, stoicism, denial, moved to action, avoidance and tributes. The list goes on. There are so many ways to deal with loss, and none of them are 'wrong'. Our sense of loss is different. I felt the loss of a woman who loves her man and child. Everyone's losses are identified in different ways.
It's not like in the past, where we get the shocking information on the 11 o'clock news. Now we get instant news and social media spreads it like a wildfire with speculation, misinformation until the 'official' details gets shared and confirmed. Everyone is worked into a tizzy trying to process information as fast as it comes out. It's so easy to get overwhelmed as we get inundated with what's happening in the moment.
My heart leaps out of my chest whenever my son leaves the house and returns when he's safe in my arms because life has no guarantees. Vanessa now has 2 empty spaces at her table. An empty side to her bed. One empty bed of a baby that she doesn't get to kiss goodnight anymore. A whole entire part of her life is over in a blink of an eye.
Life isn't promised to any of us. Loss reminds all of us that there's no such thing as forever in this earthly existence. It's loss that reminds us how much we want to live. How much we want 'our people' in our lives. This is a time for grace, a time for reflection and a time for appreciation.
The wounds of loss are always fresh and will stay fresh for awhile. It'll be hard to mention sports without a Kobe reference for awhile. Then as life picks up it's momentum, the pain gets less and less. Because life does go on. People need to grieve for as long as they need to. When the pain doesn't go away, it's because there's nothing in it's place. There's the remaining members of family that needs to be acknowledged and loved despite the losses. The remaining players that deserve no comparisons.
When you lose someone, that pain of loss that was previously put away reemerges within the fresh loss and we grieve all over again. It's hard sometimes to put loss into a degree of perspective without creating ripples.
That's why it's so important to grieve and have a safe place to do so. Express primal and soul wrenching grief. True raw emotions. Male emotions and female emotions, adult emotions and child emotions, with no stigmas and no limits. After the tears dry, there's hope, love and appreciation for our own lives, those we love and those who love us. We deserve to live our lives to the best of our abilities. Leave behind lasting and loving legacies as they did. The people that we've lost would want that for us.
I know 2 things: Raising a child should take a village and only time will only tell. Moniece has my respect for her act of love. She is one of the very public faces of maternal mental health that embodies a self care and grace that mothers deserve.
Without even immersing yourself in Social media, CNN, FOX or any news outlets you are still witnessing a devastating abuse of power in the case of Sandra Bland.
Sandra Bland is me, my sister, our girlfriends, mother's, aunt's and cousins.
And all Sandra Bland did was not properly signal, get stopped for it and "sass" Officer Brian Encinia.
Personally, anyone I know, with the weight of their life and their day, the rush to their destination and the anxiety of being stopped by the police; ANY OF US could've been Sandra Bland. And for all of those who do not THINK for one minute that these are unique circumstances, think again. Because unless you live under a rock, buried in a deep ravine, the abuse of power in this country is everywhere. People's lives are unjustly "plucked" from this planet with disregard to life's value in what seems like everyday by those sworn to protect us. When will that stop?
There's no overt conspiracy against police, no police hate here. But what the hell is happening?
After stopping Sandra Bland, everything else the police officer did was 1000% wrong. None of Sandra Bland's "offensive demeanor" or "black woman attitude" warranted her forced exit from her vehicle. Within that traffic stop, Sandra Bland's rights as an American Citizen, as a woman and as a human were violated.
And to add another insult to her unnecessary death, the transparent cover-up currently in progress is crazy to watch. Where's the accountability? Where's the: "I messed up." "We messed up." "We were wrong." Nope. None of that. Instead, there's this calculated plot to cover up an avalanche of wrongs. What is right with any of this?
There are actual "justifications" being thrown around.
How dare Sandra Bland not respect him? How dare Sandra Bland get sassy with that officer! He's got a badge!
How dare Sandra Bland have ever wanted to die in her past!
How dare Sandra Bland ever get depressed in her past!
How dare Sandra Bland have weed in her system!
How dare Sandra Bland be a woman!
How dare Sandra Bland be a *gasp* black woman!
How dare Sandra Bland drive a car!
How dare Sandra Bland live!
How dare Sandra Bland die in police custody?
How dare she!
My heart bleeds for Sandra Bland, her family and the senselessness of Sandra Bland's death. And the insulting of our intelligence within the "investigation" we're witnessing. It's heartbreaking.
Sandra Bland is all of us. Sandra Bland does not deserve to be forgotten or swept under the rug. Sandra Bland deserves justice. Bottom line.
#AllLivesMatter. I just hope that police officers, state government, federal government and all of the rest of us remember that.
#sayhername #SandraBland #justice
Happy Mother's Day Ladies!
This is the first Mother's Day that I let my son go for the weekend. A "piece of peace" so I can pamper myself, shop and sleep on Mother's Day. I miss him but it's a sweet deal to be off duty for a day. I'll see him later this evening.
I wouldn't have been able to do that years ago. But as my son and I get older, I've realized that there is a point in a single mother's life when she realizes that she must let go.
Let her child go off into the world, make their own way and 'be a man', just like you've taught him.
And when the dust clears and it's just you standing... That's a whole other journey to begin... And it's nothing like it was before baby. You have more wisdom, you have battle scars. The tough skin needed as a single mother, that body armor, isn't needed as much. There's no precious cargo to protect.
Then hopefully by then, you've let go of all of the pain, let go of all of the past. Let go of all of the shame.
Why? Because it's just you now, and there's no kid to hide behind. There's no more package deal. Your child is not stuck to your hip all of the time. Now you stand alone. And if you're like me, single for what feels like forever, you're vulnerable and feeling awkward.
My son is asking me, "Mom, when will you have a someone for yourself?" This isn't new. He's been asking for years. He never wanted his mother to be alone. But I've martyred myself because I was afraid. Afraid of loving and not being loved. Afraid of opening myself again. Afraid of failing again. I can go on and on, the list is endless.
We always tell our children 'always do your best no matter how hard it is' and 'you never know if you don't try'. And I have fallen short of both in my dating life. Depriving myself of love, feigning nobility as a dutiful mother as an excuse to push prospects away. What a Crock of doo-doo. Who was I really fooling?
So I've decided I'm using my Mother's Day to reflect on my independence, examine my heart and prepare for that next phase in my life where my son doesn't need me as much anymore. That doesn't mean that I'll be jumping into the deep end. But I won't be afraid of the water.
Enjoy your day, ladies. I will.