The Big House

Like most women, I want the big house, 5 bedrooms, 4 ½ baths, gorgeous kitchen, dining room, walk-in closet for my hundreds of shoes and the big yard for my son to play in, etc...

Hey, it’s my dream.

As a mother, giving my son “the good life”, with amenities is my job.

Making the quality of my son’s life better so that he doesn’t have to worry about the small things like not being able to play in our badass neighborhood. Or the big things like bussing him 2 hours away from home so that he’d have great opportunities because he went to a great school.

On my last vacation, I stayed in that kind of beautiful house with all of those things I always wanted in a house. And... it was too big. I’m a single mother to one son and to be perfectly honest, although it’s something I’ve always wanted, I haven’t truly and realistically envisioned myself having that actual house.

My sister and I were online looking at houses. Again, I mentioned how big that house was, and subsequent models thereafter, she said, “Why do you plan on being alone?” "HUH?"

She said, “Hear me out. You actually would deprive yourself of the dream of having the big house you’ve always wanted because you think you will be alone? Why do you think that you will never find that someone to share your life with, besides your son?

Wow. I hadn’t thought about it like that before. I was subconsciously denying my future companion.

My son is always at the top of my list. Making a life for myself, with someone for myself never realistically came to mind.

I do want someone in my life to love and fill that house with me, having the den we can have football Sunday, karaoke Fridays and host Super Bowl parties in. Him having his “man cave”. Someone that will toss the football in the yard with my son.

I want that life. I’d better act like it, before I push that blessing away too.

He’s not coming back…

Trying to stick together for the kids? Not an option

I wanted more. So I left him... and eventually let him go.

There was no more asking myself: Will I stay or finally set myself free? Will he let me go? Can I let him go? Realizing that my ex and I can never have what we once had and never again will I even try with him was what I needed to finalized between us.

It took super-human strength for me to leave him in the first place. So him not coming back is the best thing. The kids may miss him, but I’m free. The best thing for the kids to see is our happiness… especially the happiness that includes the fact that we aren’t together and we're both with someone else.

The presence of "Mommy and Daddy being there together" was what kids are used to. The truth was I was miserable because I was settling. We knew weren't meant for each other anymore. He wanted to be somewhere else and now I wanted him to stay somewhere else. So when it was finally over, it was really over. It was a closet that was filled to capacity that was constantly having more things stuffed inside of it. It was ridiculous. 

Children need to be shown a good example of what love is. A good and healthy relationship. A man who treats their Mom with love and respect. In the future, there will be a man that makes Mommy smile.

But first Mommy has to learn to be happy alone again. Which won't be hard. When I let him go, I breathed my first sigh of relief. I let go. I went from suffocating in a room with toxic air, to breathing fresh air. 

And it feels so good.

Horizons

I started seeing someone that I had a past with. I've never been for looking in the past. But when I saw my college sweetheart, everything that we had felt for each other in the past, just continued.

After dating for a few months, I found myself in a situation that I always thought I above. Being an unscrupulous man-stealing whores, I was doing what they do.

I found myself loving a man that belonged to someone else. That's what it was. Period.

I remember what I felt when my ex did it to me.

I knew that what we had couldn't go further. We pushed it beyond where we ever should have. Now I was feeling trapped.  He was pursuing me full-throttle and although I was enjoying being with him, I was so tortured and guilty that it overshadowed my feelings for myself.

I was settling.

One day he mentioned his partner's name in a casual conversation, the blood rushed to my head and I got angry. I was already feeling guilty about it, now I felt bombarded with reminders of my wrongdoing.

So, I went on a diet.

I had to cut THAT MAN out of my diet.  Changed my number, erased his. He was no good for me and I knew that he would not let me go. I loved him and I did not want to leave but I believe in Karma. And I still want to know what I did to get to the place I was in my life.

Lesson learned: going backwards is not an option, I must broaden my horizons.

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